Note to the reader. This story is a follow-up to The Emerald Vagina. If you haven’t, I suggest you read that first.
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So this happened on FB.
Wayne: “So why did you quote that whole text message I sent you in one of your fucking stories!? And at the very beginning of the book!! That was a private message Roger, and I shall see that you are charged accordingly for violating my privacy! Have a FUCKING GOOD DAY!”
Me: “Buzz off my shoulder Wayne, and be grateful that someone took notice of your life.”
Wayne: “I shall see that you disappear completely from the face of the internet! You know how well served I am in computers, being such a talented graphic designer and all. So, BE WARNED!”
Me: “So what? You gonna send me a photoshopped picture of you naked as an attachment, so that I freak out to the point that I won’t be able to approach a computer anymore?”
I thought it was funny.
Wayne: “That’s really funny, Roger! You fucking thief of other people’s thoughts! I will punch you in the guts next time I see you!”
Me: “That it easy, take it easy, pal. Now I shall have these your very own words at my disposal, so that if you do anything like that, I will be able to demonstrate that it was you who did it.”
Wayne: “FINE! By the way, do you know what happened to Zarpotax?”
Me: “He’s dead Wayne, Zarpotax is dead…”
So Wayne had been finally signed out from the Kook’s Nest, the mental asylum that is. Or so I thought. And he was ready already to start spreading his insanity again in the world like he was one of those Chinese flu viruses that are so very stubborn and persistent. Zarpotax being one of the main characters in the plot that made him go insane. Because, you see, last time I saw Wayne he was channelling, that is communicating, with this Supreme Being, Zarpotax that is, and Wayne was telling me the story of this chap, and how he had landed on this alien planet and so on. And this Zarpotax was allegedly talking through him! I even asked the alien guy questions, for Christ’s sake! But then a few minutes later, completely out of the blue, my deluded friend snapped, and I saw him jump onto this innocent lad, who just happened to be there, having Wayne in the meantime sentenced this very guy to death on behalf of this other Supreme Being who was freaking channelling to him too! And this last fucker commanded Wayne to kill the innocent lad, and so then Wayne started shouting and threatening like crazy, and then there was a fight, and then chaos and blood, and police and so on.
That was the last time I saw my deranged fellow.
In the meantime I’d published a collection of short stories, and, he was right! I used his text message at the very beginning of the book, but so what? Insanity does not have owners. Like Genius, it is out there for everyone to chew! Like something sacred and very precious, and so very human.
And then I forgot about him.
A few days later I heard a knock on my door.
It was Wayne.
He looked very sad and troubled, and so I let him come in. He was clean from booze, but you could see that he was already in some place so deranged, that alcohol would have been utterly irrelevant. We sat down at my table, and I offered him a tea, always glancing at him wondering when he would snap, if he would. And then he said:
“You know Roger, I’ve been going through a very rough patch in the White House.”
“You mean the mental asylum, of course…” – self-evident like. You know, the capitals not channelling through very much in real voice.
“You can call it so, if you will. I mean it was really intense how everybody was always up for me, and constantly asking questions about the minutest details, and not even one of them able to take a decision on their own! And they would ask, and ask!” – Wayne looked a bit upset.
“Well, I guess that’s what you have to go through to get better.”
“YES! That’s EXACTLY what they were saying!! All the time! We’re here to make you get better!” – he seemed exasperated.
“And so what happened?”
“Well, I was a novice, you know, of the big stage, and so on.”
“What ‘big stage’?”
“I mean, going global for everyone to see, and taking very important decisions, and so on.”
“What are you talking about? I don’t understand. I thought you were talking about the ‘white house’.” – how ingenuous I was!
“Exactly!!” – very confirmative in tone.
“Go on then.” – and I had this very strange feeling at the mouth of my stomach.
“So I was the President, right? The big shot.” – feeling got confirmed, pretty much. “And I was pretty much a newbie at all this, you know?”
“Of course, no one’s born a president…” – I indulged him, feeling a gust of hopelessness and a smear of distress.
“No, but I mean, as a channeller!”
“Of course…” – matter-of-fact like.
“You know, I had had a bit of experience with Zarpotax, and then Lord Zinax, this one being really nasty, and playing tricks and what not, but, you know, me being such newbie and all, well, it wasn’t that much experience. And so all my assistants there, and counsellors, and what not, they were constantly trying to push me to improve, and get better at it. Channelling I mean.”
“Mmmh mmh…!” – like, whatever!
“But I was TRYING! You know? I really WAS trying…”
And he sank in his chair, exhausted like. I poured him another cup of tea.
“Thanks.”
“So what you make of this now? I mean, you still channelling at all, like still having a chat with these supreme beings out there every now and then?”
“No! God no…” – the grip on my stomach loosened up a bit. “I mean, it became out of control, I mean, just too much. I just couldn’t handle that Roger, I wasn’t strong enough!”
“Good!” – I said.
And I thought for a moment that he may be doing ok, but then he said:
“You know, at the beginning I was doing ok. They wanted to use my skills in order to establish a contact with the base on the dark side of the moon.”
“I see.”
“And, you may not know, but on the other side of the moon there was this whole Federation of spaceships stationing there just waiting for a decent channeller to emerge here on Earth, you, know, so to have them formally introduced to Earth, as in, to our own civilization.”
“Yes.” – a gust and a smear.
“I mean, at the beginning I could handle it. They made me talk to all these big shots from this moon colony, and everybody was getting along just fine, I mean the White House and the Federation were establishing these very strong bonds, and it seemed that we were getting really close to UFO Disclosure. But still, my diplomacy skills were not so advanced, and I still had to learn so much more, and it showed!”
“What you mean?”
“Well you know, like when the Queen Mother of Asketon started telling me all these confidences about her nephew, and then you know, me having a big mouth and all, and feeling so very much for the distress of the poor kid…”
“What’s he got?” – I interrupted.
“Who?”
“The kid, the nephew.”
“Well, he started growing these tufts of hair all over his proboscis, I mean the one at the back, and this thing being considered so very much embarrassing by these people, and me just questioning around for like medical advice and so on, I mean, I was meaning to help the kid, you know, her auntie being so distressed herself for his condition, and me being so damn sensitive about things.”
“You are indeed…” – I said.
“Yes, and so when the Queen Mother found out that I was so liberal in sharing her family’s medical history, well then there was like a diplomatic incident, pretty good one, I have to say.”
“What happened?”
“Well, they started dividing themselves in factions, like pro- and anti-tufts like, and all of them got into a bit of skirmishing with each other, you know, just big diplomatic warnings at the beginning, but then, after like a week or so, the whole colony was like a fucking hot hub of spaceships lasering each other to death, and explosions, and just sheer chaos!”
“Sounds intense.”
“It was. I cannot describe to you how intense some of the conversations I had with those pilots were, I mean, when they were like falling and crashing on the surface. It was seriously driving me insane.”
“I bet you on that, pal.” – you know, easy game.
A knock came on my door.
They were nurses from a mental asylum, ogre-looking, and police, ogre-looking but duller, and they told me that Wayne had escaped from their asylum, and that they had been looking for him for the past couple of days, and that I was on the list of the people he knew, and so they were just checking whether I had seen him. And then this hamletic dilemma started grappling with my brain, because I pitied Wayne, and I was not sure he’d be happier in there, and I was not sure whether the world would be happy with him around either. But Wayne solved it for me because he came to the door himself, very innocent, like a child, and said:
“Duane?” – asked Wayne, tentative like.
“Yes, it’s me Wayne.” – replied the nurse I had been conversing with so far.
“O good day Duane!” – said Wayne all excited.
“Good day to you Wayne.” – said Duane, very cautious and on the alert.
“You know Duane, I’m sorry I did such a mess!”
“Don’t worry Wayne, it’s fine. Just come away with me, and everything is going to be just fine. You are with me?”
“Sure Duane, but what about the colony? I mean, maybe you should start looking for another President, you know? Me having screwed up so much, and all. I mean I don’t know if I can handle other pressure like that!”
“No more pressure for you Wayne, I promise. Shall we go? Are you coming with me?”
“Sure Duane.”
The nurse nodded to me, and that meant: Please remove the door chain latch, Sir. And so I did. And then they waited for Wayne to caress that threshold, and then they jumped on him as if he had been the most dangerous criminal on the planet, that needed being strapped and immobilised so brutally. So I asked the nurse, this Duane, about what seemed to me an overly excessive treatment. And he said:
“Sir, I don’t know if you read the papers or what. But this guy here is responsible for the worst inmate disturbance and mass escape from the asylum since its very foundation. I can tell you, I’ve never seen anything like this guy in my whole professional experience! He’s the best, so to say. And I can tell you also that he and his mates made so much damage that, I’m not sure whether you can appreciate a sci-fi metaphor, sir, but it was like the whole place was like a fucking hot hub of spaceships lasering each other to death, and explosions, and just sheer chaos!”
And he left.
(c) 2012 Crugi Smear
smearcrugi@gmail.com
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