Angels

When I woke up I felt really good.

I mean, as if the previous night had never existed.

What happened was that I’d got locked up by accident in one of these humongous industrial freezers, like a whole room filled with butchered bodies hanging all over the place, and busy hooks, and empty hooks just resting there. There were 23 unused ones. I know, because I had the time to count them before I froze stiff completely. But it doesn’t really matter what happened. The main thing was that now, I mean right now, it felt like everything that ever bothered me up to that point in my life was just gone. Like dust in the breeze. Not even dust. Just empty space, filled with the Present. I was clean. And it felt sooo good…

But then I became troubled for a moment. The first smear on my newborn soul, I guess. This whole thing did not feel normal. I mean, it happened to me before to wake up from devastating drunks and feel like a baby born again, and it felt like the Virgin Mary had begotten me. But then that passed, and the memories and the past emotions re-emerged as if inevitably. But now what I had was just sketchy memories from my previous life, and no regrets, nor anger or joy for it.

So that’s how it feels like… I thought while contemplating the idea of being dead. Matter-of-fact like.

“Good morning Roger.” – said the voice of an Angel. “Would you mind following me?”

I turned my head toward the voice, and I saw this most remarkable of things: Beauty and Grace fused together to form a blissful being, whose contemplation human eyes know not on earth. I felt so very special just because I was standing there, by her. She was the round perfection of the Pearl, her limbs were whispering Harmony, her legs were screaming, constantly: SUBLIME! – literally – and her ass yelled at me, abruptly: “GRAB ME!” like an imperative. And I was for that most joyful moment the luckiest guy in that dimension, or so I thought.

I followed her screaming limbs like a dog chasing a piece of bloody meat from the master’s hand. I was a puppet, but I knew it was for my own good, and there was nothing else I could do! I was drooling expectation, and fire was all over me, inside of me too! – literally – And we turned many corners, and strode down very long corridors; it seemed like it would go on and on forever and ever, and it didn’t matter, as long as I had that screaming ass in front of me:

“GRAB ME!”

And eventually she made me sit on this couch, and I was worried for a moment that it might catch fire. Then she took this sphere out and gave it to me. “It’s going to make you feel better.” – she said, her tone very neutral. I took it, breathed on it, rubbed it a bit to polish it, and then slipped it into my pocket. Then I forgot about it.

Everything seemed promising.

But then, as soon as I tried to slide my frolicking hand under her divine garment, I started to hear a hum: a low drone that seemed to come from a distance so far out that I figured it must have been crouching in a remote black hole of cosmic proportions, or something in that category. The sphere started vibrating, and so I realised that the hum and the sphere were one and the same thing. And so, to my surprise, all of a sudden, the fire was gone, and my desire for the blissful lady had vanished, and in its stead a moderate sense of euphoria and an unmediated will to obedience took its place. I was again at peace with the world. No passion was convulsing my mind any more.

And it felt puzzling.

“You see?” – she said. “It’s already saved your life.”

“What you mean?” – I asked mechanically.

“One more move, I’d have killed you.” – her tone was neutral again. No hard feelings.

“I see…” – I said, a bit confused.

So I started wondering whether, after all, this place where I had landed was Hell. But no hard feelings either, not really.

Over time I learnt a bit more about the practices of those exotic places. After the Introduction, where they gave to each of us that tiny curious sphere, and confirmed that we were dead, the Angels would scatter us all over this new environment like Parmesan cheese. I shall digress shortly about what this place looked like, for the moment I will emphasise that many more of us would arrive from time to time, but also, many of us would disappear every now and then. No one understood the logic in the demographics of the place. After all we were all humans, and pretty dead already. It was beyond our scope. Some said there was some sort of Judgement going on at our backs, and the people who disappeared maybe deserved some other place. I asked many Angels, but the usual response would be a gentle smile spruced with silence.

It took a while before I started going to this local place. It was called the Calypso, and it was a dome full of fellow departed souls who went there just for one thing, and for one thing only: to screw the HELL out of anything that crawled or walked, or breathed or choked!

Heaven like.

There was this gigantic sphere in the middle of the room. And it was pounding, and POUNDING! constantly, sharp as a laser. And the room was massive, astounding! A triumph of architecture like I had never seen in my previous existence on little earth. Not the Ziggurats of the Babylonians, nor the contemporary skyscrapers would do justice to the magnificence of this place. The arches went on and on ad infinitum, it seemed. You could not make the end of the ceiling, so very tall it was! And everybody was in there, and it seemed like, after all, I was not really the smartest guy around, like I often liked to think of myself. Everybody had already figured out things before me. And what they had figured out was that that was the coolest place to be hanging around. And it seemed like the whole damn race of the dead had stormed in there. Imagine, this place should have been called the Black Hole instead.

Just to give you another taste of the place, I could tell you that I had the best shags of my life under those awesome arches. I had slim and fat, of any colour and built, of any nationality and religion, pervs and non-pervs, housewives and pole dancers, nuns and electrical engineers, and so on. And words did not matter: all the philosophy in the world was useless. All my proud studies became like a thin and ephemeral haze, that very soon evaporated and made room for something more deep and fundamental.

And this sphere was just constantly pounding, and POUNDING! and everybody just felt like FUCK MORE! It was a categorical imperative. There was no choosing. Kant was right, there exists such a thing. And so we fucked, and got fucked back. And you were straight, and you were gay; or maybe you liked animals, or objects. In this place there were no prejudices. Everybody and everything was on the rompy amusement floor!

And so life went on.

There were various domes. One could choose where to go, according to one’s predispositions, I guess. Maybe the Angels would then administer Judgement according to the individual’s choices. That much I figured. Most of the domes offered me little solace, or they did so just for a short period of time. I remember hanging around the Philosophy Hall at the very beginning. I had to figure out what the heck was going on! So I stayed there for a while, and it felt like years.

There was a sphere in the middle of the dome; it would commence communication with my personal sphere as soon as I had approached; and it would make me feel like I was welcome back Home, to little earth: I usually felt very argumentative, and it was a lot like smoking pot. And the Angels were good there. There were no threats, nor fear; only sacred Contemplation: of Truths and Virtues, be they cardinal or theological, and some very deep new ones, whose existence I had never even suspected before. We questioned and dissected the Mysteries that were still left for mortals on earth to unravel, but which they never will. I read all the greatest authors that I had already read previously in my life, but never really understood; and we had the most remarkable conversations about them. I also learnt a thing or two about God. And that upset me a little, but only at the very beginning. For I soon learnt that it was rightly so. And I learnt a thing about Ayn Rand too. I was objectively shocked when I was told that she’d been an emissary from what the Angels called Planet Litterdiddle. About where that was… Again, a smile spruced with silence. And so I kept searching, nurturing my soul, until I became an expert on Post-Humanist Cognitive Deconstructionism (PH-CD), me being on a bit of a hermeneutic patch. And then the library became used-up, I mean, there were no more books left to trench this ungraspable, growing longing that took possession of me.

It started like a craving for something impalpable, as if I had been thirsty; but I could not figure out exactly what this feeling was all about. And so I tried to quench it with the Physical, and grounded so to say: I gave Adam’s ale a try. I plunged into the crystal-clear waters in the Fountain of Doo; and it felt a bit better. Then I gave a shot to the sumptuous meals at Goo’s Diner; and it felt even better. By the way, it was a very neat place, in particular the fillets were absolutely superb! Trust me on that, ok?

And then one day, while I was sitting on a bench outside of the dome, satiated and content enough, but not fully yet, enjoying the sunshine, and all the beauty surrounding me, along came this girl I never noticed before. She was reading a book by Heidegger, Being and Time. It seemed most appropriate. After all, that was all we were left with. She smiled at me, and it meant so much more than politeness. She took me by the hand, and she brought me to the hippie love dome, the Calypso that is, and everything was so new and exciting for me. I was instantly reminded that the last time I had sex had been like two years earlier. My body was telling me that! I can’t really explain better than this, I’m afraid. You see, when I died I was pretty much a bit of an involuntary chaste, with too much philosophy, and too little solace on my side. But now! My penis started swelling like crazy, while a bunch of bodies fell from on top of what was then and there revealed to me as a gigantic sphere. They were fucking on top of the sphere! The bloody thing must have been three meters high! That is how intense the carnage was. And this sphere was very similar to the one in the Philosophy Hall, but it had different ‘functions’, so to say. And then the huge sphere connected with its little sister in my pocket, and they both started pounding into me! I could hear a low drone slowly emerging from the soles of my feet, and growing more and more, until it was screaming like crazy in my head:

“FUCK HER!”

And so I did.

And so did everybody else with me.

Since my very first encounter with that creaturesque kind of love, I was, like all my fellow departed souls from that exotic place, trapped in that dome. It was very hard to leave and go back to any other one of those halls after such a liberating experience. And there were like hundreds of those structures all around; many very entertaining too. And yet, they became instantly diminished, almost of no importance any longer. Now the Calypso was Home. To think the opposite, to think that you could do without, was simply hopeless escapism, and delusion, lots of it. I mean, you knew, and everybody else knew that, after every little break you might have taken, that was the ultimate place where you would eventually go back to: as if you were a child, and you were constantly longing for your parents, and warmth, constantly, more and more. And we all knew that eventually, any one of us, sooner or later, would end up staying there for good; or at least for a very long part of their stay in that realm. I mentioned earlier that people disappeared every now and then from this Nether, and so they did indeed disappeared also from our orgies at the Calypso, and it was always the wildest and the best who went first.

But who cared?

“FUCK MORE!” – screamed the sphere.

So then one morning I left the love dome, the dear Calypso, just for a little while, only to rest my bones. And so I ventured into a small adjacent wood. I took shade from a tree and collapsed asleep. I got up, it was night. I must have slept more than twelve hours. I had not realized before how tired I’d been from all the crazy frantic activity going on in that place. And take into consideration this: I was now myself recognised as one of the best lovers on the amusement floor – that much I had progressed! – and everybody now wanted a bit of me. Sadly, I was getting mostly perverts at this stage, and it was becoming a bit scary too. But there was nothing I could do while they were slowly, inevitably sucking me dry. Everyone’s duty was to sacrifice oneself.

I saw an opening in the green that I had never noticed before. I entered it. There was a small dome. I could see the Angels fly around inside the hall. They were beautifully aloof, and frightening to watch. I stepped closer and closer; extremely cautious. My heart was pounding, and yet it felt like the only reasonable thing to do. I approached a little bit more, and a little bit more… My heart pounding wildly, I was now crawling along the bushes, until I raised my head to sneak a peek, and then be gone, when I saw what I saw, and it made sense: I saw the HORROR!

Emma was our beautiful Queen, our love-crazed queen of the floor back at the dome. She was debauched like no other I had ever seen before, not in brothels of the world, nor on online porn. She was the most advanced of us. And, curiously, I was right behind her in people’s polls! How peculiar… I thought. Emma was just hanging there, mid-air, suspended at a bloody butcher’s hook. She was being slowing stripped of her body by the Angels who went about their business in apparent delight.

Swoosh! A strip of flesh.

A flap of wings, and swoosh!

A muscle snatched.

And Emma, the loving creature with a tormented body, innards exposed and all the gore in the world, well, she seemed delighted too. So I relaxed a bit and, suddenly, I felt that the sphere that was present in the middle of that bloody hall started pounding into me, and POUNDING! And I felt that the blood looked really good, and yummy. So I started craving for that blood, and I pushed the door open: I entered to reclaim what was mine. I was suddenly awash in light. The Angels spotted me in the blink of an eye. They were not angry, not a tad bit at all. They were delighted to see me. They welcomed me, and sang Songs of Cheer! I now stood beneath Emma’s body. A mysterious force was pulling me, making me go towards her, until I was standing beneath her, and the gore was now flooding into me, filling my mouth, my nostrils pouring forth her vital fluid. I could taste Emma’s soul. But I cannot really explain what this means either. And it felt really warm and good.

One Angel took me by the hand, and so I climbed on top of this ladder that soon became stained in the blood dripping from the corners of my mouth. And while I was waiting for the hook to arrive and be hooked, well then I gaped at the Angels and pondered how lofty and beautiful they were, and how humble and insignificant I was, and I looked forward to this very time spent in their company, and why hadn’t I come here before, and so on.

The hook arrived. I grabbed it and pierced my own flesh. It felt like my duty, and it felt good. The rope lifted me up, and there was no pain. The Angels started swirling around me, and getting closer and closer. I was being hypnotised by the majesty of their approach, and Emma looked gorgeous, like she was Plato’s Beauty and Venus and the Goddess of Fertility all fused together, and growing! And I remembered the last time I fucked her: it was just like the night before. But the Angels were going to be better. We both knew it. It was going to be Unconditional Love. And then the first Angel flew by me, and with a dagger she cut my stomach open. And her eyes were blue blue blue, like the sky and the ocean fused together.

And it felt sooo good!

(c) 2012 Crugi Smear

smearcrugi@gmail.com